No matter how amazing Austin is, we will probably never be selected to host the official Olympic Games thanks to our insane traffic problem – but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t hold some lower key Olympics of our own.

In the spirit of keeping Austin weird, here are ten events that should definitely be included if anyone ever created an Austin Olympic Games:

1.) Puppy Mauling

puppy cuddles mauling dog pet animal cute adorable baby

Photo by Flickr user Jonathan Kriz, CC licensed

Since we’re kind of obsessed with dogs as a whole here, it follows that we’d host at least one dog-centered event. Our proposal? Would-be medalists would compete to determine who can survive being adorably mauled by the most amount of puppies at once!

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2.) Beard Growing

beard growing dude burly man manly facial hair

Photo by Flickr user Mike Mozart, CC licensed

Surely you expected this one. The concept is simple — which dude has the best facial hair? Bonus points for, like, beards that are sculpted and shit.

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3.) Taco Devouring

taco torchy's delicious secret menu tacos food austin democrat

Photo by Flickr user Stephanie, CC licensed

Move over hot dog eating contests. Here in Austin, we’re totally — and rightfully — in love with tacos, so we should of course hold a taco eating battle in our Austin Olympic Games. It would certainly be an easy event to judge; we would simply count who could eat the most tacos in a given time frame.

And short of having contestants perish from being overcome by the sheer joy of tacos’ inherent deliciousness, physical injury risks would be minimal. It’s perfect.

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4.) Traffic Evading

austin traffic problem lockdown rush hour overpopulation overpopulated i-35 mopac

Photo by Flickr user Charles Stricklin, CC licensed

We mentioned our traffic problem. Honestly, we think it’s nothing short of heroic when Austinites can get anywhere on time during rush hour, but somehow, talented drivers do manage it! We figure these folks must be pretty badass traffic navigators and we want to see them face off to see who can complete a specified route in a classic 5PM lockdown most effectively.

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5.) 6th Street Bar Crawling

drinking alcohol liquor beer bar club 6th sixth street dirty partying crawl

Photo by Flickr user Ann Baekken, CC licensed

We’re mostly going to let y’all use your imaginations here, but essentially, we’re suggesting that lots of drinking should be involved in this event, true to classic 6th Street style.

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