In the spirit of keeping Austin weird, here are ten events that should definitely be included if anyone ever created an Austin Olympic Games:
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1.) Puppy Mauling
Since we’re kind of obsessed with dogs as a whole here, it follows that we’d host at least one dog-centered event. Our proposal? Would-be medalists would compete to determine who can survive being adorably mauled by the most amount of puppies at once!
2.) Beard Growing
Surely you expected this one. The concept is simple — which dude has the best facial hair? Bonus points for, like, beards that are sculpted and shit.
3.) Taco Devouring
Move over hot dog eating contests. Here in Austin, we’re totally — and rightfully — in love with tacos, so we should of course hold a taco eating battle in our Austin Olympic Games. It would certainly be an easy event to judge; we would simply count who could eat the most tacos in a given time frame.
And short of having contestants perish from being overcome by the sheer joy of tacos’ inherent deliciousness, physical injury risks would be minimal. It’s perfect.
4.) Traffic Evading
We mentioned our traffic problem. Honestly, we think it’s nothing short of heroic when Austinites can get anywhere on time during rush hour, but somehow, talented drivers do manage it! We figure these folks must be pretty badass traffic navigators and we want to see them face off to see who can complete a specified route in a classic 5PM lockdown most effectively.
5.) 6th Street Bar Crawling
We’re mostly going to let y’all use your imaginations here, but essentially, we’re suggesting that lots of drinking should be involved in this event, true to classic 6th Street style.
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