1.) Puppy MaulingSince we’re kind of obsessed with dogs as a whole here, it follows that we’d host at least one dog-centered event. Our proposal? Would-be medalists would compete to determine who can survive being adorably mauled by the most amount of puppies at once! Something To Bark About: Austin’s ‘No-Kill’ Plan Has Saved Over 30,000 Pets’ Lives 6 Perfect Austin Parks With Trails Where Dogs Can Run Free Willie Nelson, Ziggy Marley Getups Take Top Honors At Jo’s Annual ‘Doggie Drag Show’ Austinites Love These 5 Dog Friendly Businesses Austin Pets Alive To Pope Francis: Yes, All Dogs Really Do Go To Heaven
2.) Beard GrowingSurely you expected this one. The concept is simple — which dude has the best facial hair? Bonus points for, like, beards that are sculpted and shit. These Bearded Austinites Make The Best Energy Bars Like Ever 10 Things Tinder Profile Pics Say About Austin Men
3.) Taco DevouringMove over hot dog eating contests. Here in Austin, we’re totally — and rightfully — in love with tacos, so we should of course hold a taco eating battle in our Austin Olympic Games. It would certainly be an easy event to judge; we would simply count who could eat the most tacos in a given time frame. And short of having contestants perish from being overcome by the sheer joy of tacos’ inherent deliciousness, physical injury risks would be minimal. It’s perfect. Are You Brave Enough To Order From Torchy’s Tacos Secret Menu? Torchy’s Tacos Wins Texas Monthly’s Top Taco Contest 10 Gifs That Describe Eating The Democrat Taco At Torchy’s Tacos
4.) Traffic EvadingWe mentioned our traffic problem. Honestly, we think it’s nothing short of heroic when Austinites can get anywhere on time during rush hour, but somehow, talented drivers do manage it! We figure these folks must be pretty badass traffic navigators and we want to see them face off to see who can complete a specified route in a classic 5PM lockdown most effectively. Could Traffic Actually Be Improving In Austin? This Study Gives Us Hope Say Yes To Pajama Pants — Mayor Adler Encouraging Austinites To Work From Home On Friday Five Magical Moments When Driving In Austin Is Nice
5.) 6th Street Bar CrawlingWe’re mostly going to let y’all use your imaginations here, but essentially, we’re suggesting that lots of drinking should be involved in this event, true to classic 6th Street style. Forbes Wants Austin To ‘Unleash’ 6th Street Drinkers. But Is That A Good Idea? Experience Sixth Street’s Artsy Side At Austin’s Pecan Street Festival 15 Obligatory Experiences For Austin Newcomers Hit ‘next’ to see the rest.
This one is definitely inspired by our fair city’s motto: “Keep Austin Weird.” Ideally, we’d invite all of our most beloved weirdos to show up with their amazing beautiful selves and wow us with whatever uniqueness they feel like flaunting. It would be ridiculous. And so very Austin.
7.) Street Art-ing
This one’s kind of straightforward, but seriously — how amazing would it be to gather up all of Austin’s most talented street and studio artists and get them to compete in some sort of paint-off? We could even leave the art up all year to enrich our community. Score!
8.) Bat Counting
We love our bats. We throw them their own friggin’ festival every year and we freak out in a really good way when they come stay in town under the Congress Avenue bridge every summer for a few months. So we should totally incorporate bat counting into our Austin Olympics! We have no clue how such an event would be judged — just that it should definitely be a thing.
9.) SUP Racing
Imagine a giant stand-up paddleboard race down a stretch of Lady Bird Lake, viewable from the Congress, South 1st Street, and Pfluger Pedestrian bridges and the Lake Bird Lake Hike and Bike Trail. Um. We just did and we’re psyched.
We couldn’t very well call ourselves The Live Music Capital of the World and not include a music-related event in our Austin Olympic Games. This event could probably play out like gymnastics or ice skating, with form and style weighed in heavily to the judges’ decision as musicians would be required to perform songs and demonstrate proficiency on specific instruments by executing certain techniques. Good ol’ Stevie would be proud.
After reading that killer list, try and tell us that you don’t think an Austin Olympic Games would be awesome. You know you’re nodding your head. Perhaps you’d even want to compete! Maybe you’re even thinking about who should carry the Austin Olympics torch. Leslie would have been a strongly-supported torchbearer choice for the first ATX games, but hopefully Crazy Carl would accept the honor.
Can you think of any other events that should be included were Austin to ever hold its own Olympics? Let us know in the comments!
Featured photo: Flickr user Andrew Nourse, CC licensed