If Austin Had The Olympics, These 10 Events Would Definitely Make The Bracket

No matter how amazing Austin is, we will probably never be selected to host the official Olympic Games thanks to our insane traffic problem – but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t hold some lower key Olympics of our own.

In the spirit of keeping Austin weird, here are ten events that should definitely be included if anyone ever created an Austin Olympic Games:

1.) Puppy Mauling

puppy cuddles mauling dog pet animal cute adorable baby

Photo by Flickr user Jonathan Kriz, CC licensed

Since we’re kind of obsessed with dogs as a whole here, it follows that we’d host at least one dog-centered event. Our proposal? Would-be medalists would compete to determine who can survive being adorably mauled by the most amount of puppies at once!

Something To Bark About: Austin’s ‘No-Kill’ Plan Has Saved Over 30,000 Pets’ Lives

6 Perfect Austin Parks With Trails Where Dogs Can Run Free

Willie Nelson, Ziggy Marley Getups Take Top Honors At Jo’s Annual ‘Doggie Drag Show’

Austinites Love These 5 Dog Friendly Businesses

Austin Pets Alive To Pope Francis: Yes, All Dogs Really Do Go To Heaven

2.) Beard Growing

beard growing dude burly man manly facial hair

Photo by Flickr user Mike Mozart, CC licensed

Surely you expected this one. The concept is simple — which dude has the best facial hair? Bonus points for, like, beards that are sculpted and shit.

These Bearded Austinites Make The Best Energy Bars Like Ever

10 Things Tinder Profile Pics Say About Austin Men

3.) Taco Devouring

taco torchy's delicious secret menu tacos food austin democrat

Photo by Flickr user Stephanie, CC licensed

Move over hot dog eating contests. Here in Austin, we’re totally — and rightfully — in love with tacos, so we should of course hold a taco eating battle in our Austin Olympic Games. It would certainly be an easy event to judge; we would simply count who could eat the most tacos in a given time frame.

And short of having contestants perish from being overcome by the sheer joy of tacos’ inherent deliciousness, physical injury risks would be minimal. It’s perfect.

Are You Brave Enough To Order From Torchy’s Tacos Secret Menu?

Torchy’s Tacos Wins Texas Monthly’s Top Taco Contest

10 Gifs That Describe Eating The Democrat Taco At Torchy’s Tacos

4.) Traffic Evading

austin traffic problem lockdown rush hour overpopulation overpopulated i-35 mopac

Photo by Flickr user Charles Stricklin, CC licensed

We mentioned our traffic problem. Honestly, we think it’s nothing short of heroic when Austinites can get anywhere on time during rush hour, but somehow, talented drivers do manage it! We figure these folks must be pretty badass traffic navigators and we want to see them face off to see who can complete a specified route in a classic 5PM lockdown most effectively.

Could Traffic Actually Be Improving In Austin? This Study Gives Us Hope

Say Yes To Pajama Pants — Mayor Adler Encouraging Austinites To Work From Home On Friday

Five Magical Moments When Driving In Austin Is Nice 

5.) 6th Street Bar Crawling

drinking alcohol liquor beer bar club 6th sixth street dirty partying crawl

Photo by Flickr user Ann Baekken, CC licensed

We’re mostly going to let y’all use your imaginations here, but essentially, we’re suggesting that lots of drinking should be involved in this event, true to classic 6th Street style.

Forbes Wants Austin To ‘Unleash’ 6th Street Drinkers. But Is That A Good Idea?

Experience Sixth Street’s Artsy Side At Austin’s Pecan Street Festival

15 Obligatory Experiences For Austin Newcomers

Hit ‘next’ to see the rest.

6.) Weird-ing

leslie cochran keep austin weird keeping

Photo by Flickr user Megan Ann, CC licensed

This one is definitely inspired by our fair city’s motto: “Keep Austin Weird.” Ideally, we’d invite all of our most beloved weirdos to show up with their amazing beautiful selves and wow us with whatever uniqueness they feel like flaunting. It would be ridiculous. And so very Austin.

The Official Leslie-Inspired Guide To Keeping Austin Weird!

A Few Of Our Favorite Moments From The Keep Austin Weird Festival

What Is ‘Keep Austin Weird’? The Owner Of Spider House Explains It Beautifully

7.) Street Art-ing

street art artist hope outdoor gallery graffiti spray paint mural wall painting

Photo by Flickr user Nan Palmero, CC licensed

This one’s kind of straightforward, but seriously — how amazing would it be to gather up all of Austin’s most talented street and studio artists and get them to compete in some sort of paint-off? We could even leave the art up all year to enrich our community. Score!

This Street Artist Creates Legit Zelda Artifacts And Hides Them Around Austin

Austin’s Beloved HOPE Outdoor Gallery Has To Move — Here’s How You Can Help

8.) Bat Counting

mexican free-tailed bat congress avenue bridge

Photo by Flickr user Eric, CC licensed

We love our bats. We throw them their own friggin’ festival every year and we freak out in a really good way when they come stay in town under the Congress Avenue bridge every summer for a few months. So we should totally incorporate bat counting into our Austin Olympics! We have no clue how such an event would be judged — just that it should definitely be a thing.

10 Astounding Facts About The Legendary Bats Of Austin

9.) SUP Racing

sup stand up paddleboard lady bird lake race racing floating rowing paddling water fun swimming

Photo by Flickr user Marcus Searing, CC licensed

Imagine a giant stand-up paddleboard race down a stretch of Lady Bird Lake, viewable from the Congress, South 1st Street, and Pfluger Pedestrian bridges and the Lake Bird Lake Hike and Bike Trail. Um. We just did and we’re psyched.

You’ll Want To Cannonball Into These 12 Austin Swimming Holes

10 Ways Smart Austinites Take Advantage Of All Things Summer

10.) Music-ing

austin gibbs guitar music musician singer songwriter folk austin nashville scene live capital world

Photo by Flickr user Narih Lee, CC licensed

We couldn’t very well call ourselves The Live Music Capital of the World and not include a music-related event in our Austin Olympic Games. This event could probably play out like gymnastics or ice skating, with form and style weighed in heavily to the judges’ decision as musicians would be required to perform songs and demonstrate proficiency on specific instruments by executing certain techniques. Good ol’ Stevie would be proud.

Alright, Austin Newbies: Here’s Your Animated SXSW Survival Guide

Prepare For ACL Right Now With These Three Simple Steps

Shocking Survey Finds Austin May Not Be The ‘Live Music Capital’ Anymore

From A Musician’s Perspective, Here’s Why Austin Is So Different Than Nashville

After reading that killer list, try and tell us that you don’t think an Austin Olympic Games would be awesome. You know you’re nodding your head. Perhaps you’d even want to compete! Maybe you’re even thinking about who should carry the Austin Olympics torch. Leslie would have been a strongly-supported torchbearer choice for the first ATX games, but hopefully Crazy Carl would accept the honor.

Can you think of any other events that should be included were Austin to ever hold its own Olympics? Let us know in the comments!


Featured photo: Flickr user Andrew Nourse, CC licensed