- September 9, 2015

10 Horrifying Things That Will Totally Happen If You Talk Or Text At Alamo Drafthouse

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Everyone knows that it’s rude to talk or text during a movie, and Austin’s own Alamo Drafthouse theater chain has long been at the forefront of threatening, bludgeoning, burning, skewering, or just permanently scarring (physically and emotionally) anyone who dares to step over that line. Not even Madonna or Texas Governor Greg Abbott are immune to their rules.

They’ve been at this “No Talk, No Text” business for so long that Drafthouse fans recently helped Texas Monthly elect their favorite horrible thing that will definitely happen to rude moviegoers. The winner of this #DontTalk social media election? Well, you’ll have to scroll to the bottom to find out.

But, if you’re smart, you’ll want to make a few stops along the way just to ensure you’re well educated on the severe dangers of being a gadget head at the movies in Austin. So with no further ado, here are the 10 most horrifying things that WILL DEFINITELY HAPPEN if you talk or text at Alamo Drafthouse…

(Also, this post totally contains NSFW language, because it’s only appropriate for movie talkers. Just a head’s up.)

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10) Kevin Smith Will Show You His M’oobs

We’re traumatized just by the thought of this.

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9) Siri Will Blackmail You

So, about that private browsing history…

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8) Danny Trejo Will Hunt You Down

Seriously, do not mess with this guy.

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7) Jason Schwartzman Will Be Tortured To Death

So much for that possible sequel to “Rushmore.”

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6) Danny DeVito Will Cut Out Your Tongue

Men of Danny’s stature typically feel they have something to prove. Don’t test him.

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5) Michael Madsen Will Slice Off Your Ear And Light You On Fire

Wouldn’t be the first time.

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4) Turkish Spiderman Will Feed You To Guinea Pigs

We’re not sure how exactly that all works out, but still… We don’t want to know.

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3) Luke Skywalker’s Secret Army of Evil Jedi Clowns Will ‘Completely Destroy You’

Words cannot describe the terror this inspires.

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2) Your Rudeness Will Become The Stuff Of Local Legend

This one’s a real (former) Drafthouse customer, and one of the most famous Drafthouse “Don’t Talk” spots.

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1.) You’ll Be Manhandled By Governor Ann Richards

That’s it, right there. Texas Monthly readers have spoken!

The best Drafthouse PSA yet goes to the former governor of Texas, by a vote of 55 percent to 45 percent. The #DontTalk election’s runner up, “Angry Voicemail,” also made #2 on our list because we here in Austin absolutely agree with the will of the people. Plus, that girl deserves it. All these other videos are just icing on the movie cake. Bloody, messy, gory icing, with indie-film m’oobs and dire threats to your life and limb.

So remember, folks: When you’re watching a movie at the Drafthouse… SHUT UP, or else.

Capisce?
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Featured photo: Flickr user Phill Campbell, creative commons licensed.